


Slow and Steady

by KrisLetang



Series: Together We'll Survive [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blow Jobs, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Cunnilingus, F/M, First Time, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Past Rape/Non-con, Rape Aftermath, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 00:27:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29393370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrisLetang/pseuds/KrisLetang
Summary: Rafael thinks he is finally ready to try being intimate.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Olivia Benson
Series: Together We'll Survive [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2159193
Comments: 15
Kudos: 42





	Slow and Steady

**Author's Note:**

> A follow up to "Through Thick and Thin" because Aaron wouldn't shut up about it :)

Rafael was pacing. He was nervous, but he was trying to keep control of himself. Liv was getting home from work soon, and they were going to have the evening to themselves. He looked in the mirror, wetting his fingers and running them through his hair, trying to make sure it looked neat. He could feel his heart beating in his chest, and his hands felt shaky. 

He occupied himself with pouring a few fingers worth of scotch into his glass. He was sipping from the glass when the door opened. He heard Liv drop her keys into the bowl that sat beside the door, and the rustle of her hanging her coat up made his heart race even more. He stood, and Liv appeared around the corner, smiling when she saw him. “Hey, sweet man, how are you? I’m sorry it took me so long to get home.” 

“I’m okay,” he said softly. “I ordered us some dinner.” He stepped closer to her, and she reached for him slowly, giving him time to back away if he needed. He curled a hand around her waist, and Liv cupped his cheek, kissing him softly. He felt a little better in her arms. Something about her presence calmed him down. Liv pulled him closer, and he pressed his face against her neck. 

“You feel tense,” she whispered. He swallowed heavily. 

“Liv,” he said, and she looked at him. “I--I feel like maybe I’m ready…..if you want to…” He was having trouble saying it. “I want to try, Olivia. I want to be with you tonight, if that’s okay.” 

Liv kissed his forehead and then his lips. “That sounds wonderful,” she whispered. “Let’s have dinner, and then we can take it nice and slow. You just tell me whatever you need.” 

“I’ll get dinner on plates. You go change,” he said, taking one more moment to run his hands down her sides. Liv disappeared back into the bedroom, and he opened up the bag of food that was on the counter, dishing the food out onto plates for them. He poured Olivia a glass of red, and she met him at the bar, sitting beside him, a hand on his thigh. She was wearing a soft shirt and shorts, and he found himself staring. She was beautiful, and he couldn’t believe she was his. 

She ate and joked and laughed with him like it was any other night, and that helped to put his mind at ease. He let her feed him half a spring roll, and he laughed when she teased him softly about the extra cologne he’d put on for the day. He felt calmer by the time they were done eating. “You tell me how you want to do this,” Liv said gently once they’d done the dishes and cleaned up after themselves. 

“In the bedroom. In bed,” he said. “I don’t know what might trigger me. We need to go slowly. I haven’t done much of anything since it happened. Not even on my own.” 

“You say the word, and we’ll stop,” Liv promised. “For a few minutes or for the night. Whatever you need.” He took another deep breath. “If you’re not ready, Rafael, we don’t have to do this,” she promised. He smiled, kissing her softly. 

“I want to. You have no idea how much I want to. I think it’s time,” he said. “I’ll um, I’ll get us drinks and we can….” 

“Shh,” Liv said, interrupting his nervous rambling. “You go wait in the bedroom. I’ll be there in just a second.” 

“Should I take these off?” he asked softly, fingering his clothes. 

“Let me do that,” she said, but she second guessed herself. “Unless you think you need to do that yourself.” 

“I think I can handle you unwrapping me,” he said softly, and she smiled, kissing him again. 

“Alright, get going. I’ll be there soon,” Liv said, patting his ass and sending him on his way. 

Rafael slowly made his way back to the bed, sitting down and leaning back against the pillows. He tried to relax as he waited for her to come to him. He was nervous, but he knew he was safe with Olivia. He knew it might be easier if he took it slower, but he’d waited so long for this. He wanted to be with Olivia in all ways, all the way. 

When the door pushed open gently, he saw her standing there and it took his brain a long moment to catch up. “Liv,” he breathed as she made her way to the bed, setting the glasses of wine on the nightstand. She climbed up on the bed, and his hands went to her hips, feeling the soft lace under his fingers as she straddled him. “Jesus. You didn’t have to do that.” 

“You said you liked them last time,” she said. “I want this to be special.” 

“Being here with you,” he whispered, leaning up for a kiss. “That is special. Being with you in any way is special.” Liv trailed her lips down his jaw to his neck, and he let out a soft noise, arching into her touch. She ran her hands over his chest, dragging them over his hardening nipples. He jerked slightly. “Uh,” he gasped. “Liv.” 

“Hmm, you like that don’t you?” she teased softly. 

“I might be a little sensitive there,” he said, blushing, and Liv smiled, flicking her thumb over his left nipple and drinking in his reactions. His chest was already heaving, his hair slightly mussed. Liv could see a red flush traveling up his neck. 

“Let’s take this off,” she said softly, reaching for the hem of his shirt and pulling it up his body. He sat up enough for her to get it off of him, resting back against the headboard. He leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss to her neck. He ran his hands over her smooth sides, hesitating once he reached the beginning of the lace. “You can touch,” she said softly, gently taking his hand and guiding it to her breast. He gulped, letting himself feel the soft weight of it. 

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, nosing his way past her hair and kissing every inch of skin he could get to. He mapped his way down her neck and to the hollow of her throat, gently pulling the cup of her bra out of the way as he finally reached her breast. He paused a moment, suddenly feeling a little nervous, but he wasn’t going to let himself get overwhelmed. Liv gently ran her fingers through his hair, arching into his warm mouth as he finally covered her nipple, suckling softly and flicking it with his tongue. 

“Rafa,” she gasped softly. His confidence grew. He took his time, tasting every inch of her skin that he could reach. She laid back for him on the bed when he asked, and he turned on his stomach, lips moving down her stomach until he reached the lace of her panties. He glanced up at her, and she looked at him with such love and fondness in her eyes that he felt emotional. She ran her fingers through his hair again, and he found that comforting. He slipped his fingers into the lace underwear, easing it down her hips, and running his hands down her thighs as he marshaled his nerves. He’d thought about doing this, about taking her apart with his mouth. It was something he was good at, but he was nervous all the same. This was Olivia, and he was a little bit out of practice. 

He forced himself forward, licking into her soft folds, and the hitch in her breath made him feel warm and happy, a shot of arousal traveling down his spine. It was easy to fall back into the muscle memory of it, sucking and tonguing her clit as she gasped and bucked into his mouth. His confidence grew the more she squirmed, and she gasped his name softly every few seconds. “Jesus, you’re good at this,” Liv whispered, eyes half lidded, body flushed and damp with sweat. She was pawing her fingers through his hair, arching into him. He was fine until she grabbed a fist full of his hair and pulled, not too hard but enough that it startled him. He used to like that sort of thing, but instead of the warm arousal he was used to, he felt numb and frozen. She let go immediately. He laid his head against her inner thigh, closing his eyes and trying to get a grip. He felt her sit up, hands hovering close to him, afraid to touch and make it worse. 

Liv hesitantly put her hands on his upper back, letting him take a moment to calm himself down. She rubbed gentle circles over his skin. “I’m sorry, Rafa,” she said. He just shook his head. They waited awhile, just laying together, letting him recover. Rafael looked up at her after a little while, and she smoothed his hair back, being gentle with him. “I’m sorry,” she said again. 

“It’s not your fault,” he replied. 

“Do you want to stop?” Liv asked him. He let out a shaky breath, but he shook his head. “Let me make you feel good then. Lay back,” she said. He hesitated a moment, but he slowly did as she asked. Liv helped him get out of his pants and boxers, laying on her stomach, her hand resting over his lower belly. 

“Liv, you don’t have to do that,” he said softly. 

“I want to,” she reassured him, and his head fell back against the pillows as she gently lifted his erection from his belly, closing her lips around the head. He groaned softly, shifting on the bed as she sucked gently. 

“Fuck, Liv,” he whispered, eyes shutting, hands twisting into the blankets. “Jesus,” he whispered, hips arching off the bed as she swallowed half his length easily. She was gentle with him, but she was good, and it had been so long for him that he worried he was going to come far too quickly. “Liv,” he gasped. “If you keep doing that, I’m going to come.” She smiled at him, pressing one more kiss to the weeping head of his erection before letting him go.

“Do you want to be on top?” She asked softly, kissing him once she’d crawled up so she could look into his eyes. 

“Do you...want me to?” He asked, seemingly unsure of what he wanted. 

“I’m happy either way. I just want to know what would make you most comfortable,” Liv said softly, pushing some hair away from his eyes. He swallowed softly, and Liv could see his discomfort. “Do we need to wait a second?” She asked him. He nodded. “How about I get you a glass of water? There’s wine here if you want some of that, and we can wait until you feel a little better.” 

“Sorry,” he whispered, sitting at the edge of the bed. Liv went to the kitchen, filling a glass with water for him. 

He was hunched over when she made it back to the bedroom, head buried in his hands, and she could see his shoulders shake slightly. She sat beside him, handing him the glass and rubbing his back gently. “We don’t have to do this,” she whispered. “I can take care of myself. I can finish you off if you want or not. We can try again another time. It’s okay.” He shook his head. 

“I need just a minute,” he said, standing. He took the glass of water and grabbed his underwear from the floor. “I’m okay. I just need some air for a second. I’m getting in my own head.” 

“Alright. I’ll wait here for you,” she promised. She watched him disappear down the hall, and she grabbed her glass of wine, worrying about him. She didn’t want him to feel this pressure, but she had to trust that he would tell her what he needed. 

He was gone for at least five minutes, and Liv was about to go check on him when he came back in. He looked better. She stood, crossing the room to meet him at the door, and his hands went to her hips as he lowered his head to press his face against her neck. She held him, swaying with him slightly as he stood there quietly. “I love you,” he whispered, and she felt herself getting emotional, gathering him even closer. 

“I love you too, Rafael,” she said. 

“I’m okay now. I just needed a second. I think I’m ready,” he said. “If you still want to.” 

“Of course I want to,” she whispered, pressing her palm to his cheek and looking him in the eyes. Liv kissed him, and he felt more sure. He wasn’t shaking anymore. He kissed her back, walking her to the bed. He kicked his underwear off as she slid up the bed. He crawled up the bed, leaning over her body. “You just tell me what you need,” Liv murmured. 

“Okay,” he agreed, kissing her again. Liv rubbed her hand up and down his back, and he touched her softly, running his hands over every inch of skin he could get to. Every touch made her feel warmer, and she arched into his hands as his lips trailed a hot path over her neck and jaw. She felt him growing harder against her thigh, slowly, his hips pressing forward every few seconds. 

He slipped his hand between her legs, easing his thumb over her clit. He rubbed little circles, swallowing her moans, and she arched into his fingers. “Rafa, Jesus,” she whispered. “I’m ready,” she murmured, and he nodded, pulling his hand away. She reached between their bodies, helping him to line up as she wrapped a leg around his hip. 

“Wait,” he said softly, and she paused, looking up at him. “Do you want me to use protection? I should’ve asked earlier.” 

“Do you think we need to?” she asked him. 

“I um…..I got a full STD panel and an HIV test afterwards. It all came back clean. I just want to make sure you’re comfortable,” he told her. 

“I trust you,” Liv whispered. “I haven’t been with anyone in over a year. If you’re okay without it, I am too.” 

“I want to feel you,” he whispered. Liv kissed him again, urging him forward, and he rolled his hips, easing into her in one smooth motion. She let out a heavy breath, one hand resting against the nape of his neck, her other cupping his ass. He stayed like that for a few long moments, and she let him. His head was hanging between his shoulders, his hair a bit damp at the ends, and she admired the way his eyes fluttered shut every few seconds. 

“Rafa,” she whispered. “You okay?” 

“Mhmm, you feel so good,” he whispered. She urged him to move gently, and he slowly pumped his hips. Liv could tell he was still a little nervous, so she gently urged him to ease down lower so his body was pressed tightly against her own. He took a few moments to work through the nerves, but then it seemed that muscle memory took over, and he didn’t disappoint. 

He had a tight control over himself, giving her enough to satisfy, but keeping it gentle and intimate. She squeezed a handful of his ass when he hit just the right spot, arching into him. “Liv,” he whispered, his voice shaking. “I need you to move your hand.” It took a few seconds for her brain to catch up through the haze of pleasure, but she pulled her hand back immediately as soon as she parsed through what he said. 

“Sorry,” she murmured, kissing him gently to make up for it. 

He shook his head, kissing her again before pressing his face against her neck. He had his hands twisted into the sheets, giving him leverage to rock their slick bodies together, and Liv’s head fell back, her mouth open as she tried to keep breathing. He felt so good, filling her up perfectly, his thick length pushing into her over and over again. Her skin was tingling, his warmth and weight adding to the pleasure. She kept one hand tangled in the hair on the back of his head, the nails of her other hand digging into his shoulder, holding on for dear life. 

His movements grew messier and he lost his rhythm, but Liv was so close, she didn’t care. She clung to him, drinking in all of the soft sounds he made. He was beautiful like this, stunning really, and she couldn’t believe he wanted her, that he loved her this way. His skin was dragging against hers, the grinding motion putting pressure on her clit. “Liv,” he gasped. “Do you want me to pull out?” 

“No,” she murmured, and he nodded faintly, only lasting a few more thrusts before he shuddered against her. 

“Fuck,” he whispered. He flopped on his back then, swiping a hand across his damp forehead. Liv was breathing heavily, her body shaking. She was so close. He only waited a second, taking a few deep breaths before he shifted down her body, settling between her legs. She let him rest her thighs over his shoulders as he dove in without hesitation this time. Her fingers curled gently into his hair, careful not to pull, her body tensing as he easily threw her over the edge.

He rested his cheek against her belly as she came down, leaving soft kisses on her skin, and she kept a hand on him, needing the contact. “Can I get you off again?” He asked softly as she tried to normalize her breathing. “That was so….beautiful,” he whispered. “You’re stunning. All I ever want to do is make you feel good.” 

“One more,” she agreed softly. He started lower, dipping his tongue inside of her and avoiding her oversensitive clit. She moaned softly, unable to stop her hips from bucking. He put an arm over her low belly, keeping her pinned. She felt slight tightness in her chest, but she knew it was Rafael and she trusted him. 

He was rougher and more insistent, working overtime with his tongue to drive her crazy. She clutched at him, back arching as much as he would allow. He glanced up at her, a soft sparkle in his eyes. “Of course you’re good at this,” she whispered, and he laughed softly against her. “Always were smart with your mouth.” The pleasure built and built inside of her, driving her crazy. He finally moved up to her clit, sucking gently and flicking his tongue against it, and she bucked again. “Jesus, Rafa, yes, there. Don’t stop.” He pushed her over the edge as he slipped two fingers inside of her, sealing his mouth over her clit and sucking hard. He whispered her name, gasping softly as he fucked her through it, pressing his fingers in and out lazily. 

She laid on her back, gasping softly as he rolled off of her, moving up so he could lay by her side, hand gently running over the soft skin of her stomach and her sides. “I love you,” she whispered. 

“I love you too,” he said, shutting his eyes. Liv rubbed his back gently, and he was quiet for a while, snuggled into her until he started to shake. She didn’t notice right away until the tremors increased and she heard the soft sound of his sobs. 

“Hey,” she whispered, looking down at where he had his face tucked against her. “Are you alright? Rafa?” He didn’t answer right away, clinging to her, and she just rubbed his back, her stomach twisting into knots. Did she hurt him? Trigger him somehow? He curled up, his body shaking, and she let him cry himself out, holding him tight and trying to act as his rock. 

“Sorry,” He whispered. “I-I didn’t realize I’d feel this way.” 

“You can cry,” Liv murmured. “You do whatever you need. I didn’t hurt you did I?” 

“No,” he said, his voice thick with emotion. “You did nothing wrong. Thank you for being patient with me.” 

“You don’t have to thank me for that,” she whispered. He shook his head. 

“Of course I do,” he said. “You could have decided it was taking me too long. That would have been understandable, Olivia, but you’ve been there for me through the good and the bad and the ugly, and I don’t deserve you.” 

“Hush with that,” she murmured. “I know you’d do the same for me. Do you want to clean up a little? We could take a shower, relax together.” 

“Okay,” he whispered, still feeling emotional. Liv slowly coaxed him up and to the bathroom, and he was clingy, holding tight to her. Liv turned the water on, letting it warm up, holding him as they waited. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked. 

“Not yet,” he whispered. Liv ushered him into the shower, under the water, and he pressed his face to her shoulder. Liv rocked him under the stream of warm water, and he cried quietly into her skin. All she wanted to do was calm him down and comfort him. 

“Shhh,” Liv whispered. “I’ve got you. It’s all okay now. You’re safe.” 

Liv helped him dry off afterward, wrapping him in a fluffy towel, and he kissed her softly as they climbed out. “Let’s get some water, and we can lay down again. Do you feel okay?” 

He shrugged. He’d dressed himself in boxers and a sweatshirt when she came back with a glass of water for him. Liv pulled on some comfortable clothes, hoping it might help him to get more comfortable and talk to her. She wanted to know what was bothering him so she could try to help somehow. She needed to make this better for him. She sat on the edge of the bed beside him, and he glanced over at her, toying with his phone. He sipped his water. “What can I do right now?” 

“Just hold my hand,” he said. “I shouldn’t have…..I’m sorry. I didn’t want to get worked up like this.” Liv took his hand like he’d asked, and he sipped more water. 

“What happened earlier?” she asked him. “You seemed better when you came back.” 

“I was just thinking,” Rafael said. “I felt a little overwhelmed. I’ve wanted this for so long. I’ve thought about it, but then we were really doing it, and I got freaked out. I’m a mess.” 

“What overwhelmed you?” she asked him. He glanced away, his eyes shining with emotion. 

“I wasn’t sure I could perform,” he said softly. “I was nervous. I didn’t want it to be awkward. You waited so long for me to be ready, and I was thinking about what happened in Iowa.” He shook his head at himself, fighting tears. 

“The way you pulled my hair,” he said. “It’s not your fault. I wish that didn’t bother me. I was thinking about that, about how he pulled my hair and shoved me around. I was on the ground, bleeding and coughing. My ribs hurt. He was rough. I couldn’t breathe, my chest felt tight.” Liv squeezed his hand. He didn’t usually go into detail like this, only giving her fragmented pieces of the story here and there. “I thought he was going to kill me.” The raw break of his voice made her chest ache, her stomach in tight knots. “And I thought about Drew. I thought maybe I deserved to die.” His shoulders shook, and Liv wanted to gather him close, but his body language told her to give him some space. “He left me on the floor, bloody and broken. He spit on me. I blacked out, and when I woke up, everything hurt so badly. I could barely walk. I wanted to die. I think I laid there for at least twelve hours before I could get up. I made myself get in an Uber to the ER. He broke my rib and my arm, and they put me in a cast and took pictures and touched me everywhere. I was alone and cold, and all I wanted was you.” He paused, glancing away, and she saw the tears rolling down his cheeks. “I thought about calling, but I couldn’t do it. I thought about you.” 

Liv moved closer to him, and he let her rest an arm over his shoulders. “I remember that time when I met you at the hospital, and you were so comforting to the victim. You always knew what to say even when I didn’t.” He smiled wryly. “Especially when I didn’t, so I thought about you when I laid on that cold exam table and they swabbed me. I had a rape kit done, but I didn’t want to give it to the police. I didn’t want a trial. I didn’t want you or my mom to see my face on the news. I’m not even sure I could identify him, so I went home. I barely ate. I laid in bed constantly. I slept for forty eight hours straight. I hid for a month before I could manage going outside again. I had my groceries delivered--left at the door. When I went out, I wore a baseball cap and sunglasses.”

“Oh Rafa,” she whispered. 

“And then I was hurt and afraid and I didn’t know how I was going to be intimate ever again, but you were patient. I can’t thank you enough for that,” he said. Liv pulled him into her arms, squeezing when she heard him sniffle again. 

“We’ll figure all this out together,” she promised. “Step by step.” 

“Thank you for being patient with me. I feel like I finally took a step forward today,” he said. Liv ran her fingers through his hair. 

“Thank you for trusting me,” she murmured back, lips pressed against the top of his head. 

“I feel safe,” he whispered. “With you. I know I’m okay and that you love me.” 

“Do you want me to find him?” Liv asked him after a few seconds. He looked up at her with tears in his eyes. 

“In Iowa? I can’t even give you a good description,” he whispered, voice breaking again. She stroked her fingers through his hair again. 

“I have my ways, Rafael,” she said. “You say the word. I will track down that bastard and make him wish he’d never laid eyes on you.” He laughed softly, and it was this watery laugh that made her heart feel shattered. She squeezed him tighter, her protective instincts flaring. She would protect him. 

“I don’t deserve you,” he whispered, sniffling as he laid his head against her chest, settling in for a while. “You’ve stood with me through some of the worst days of my life. I can never repay that. You’re my rock, Olivia, and I promise, I’ll find a way to be here for you no matter what. It’s the least I can do.” 

“You already are,” she whispered. “You’re enough. You’re my best friend. You’re enough.” 


End file.
